Greetings,

I'm not sure if you folks are in the habit of taking requests for music, but I fingered that there is only one way to find out. That way of course is by asking which I am proceeding to do. I was hoping you could coerce the elves you employ to arrange the Legend of Zelda Theme Song for the whistle. Its a most wonderfulous song and would fill the video-game-music-void in your sheet music collection. Well, thats the whole request bit. Thanks for your time.

Most sincerely etc.,

Big City

I've never really considered taking requests before. I mean, I don't want to set a precedence or anything, and as soon as the tinwhistle stops being fun (like that could happen) I'll quit it faster than Madonna's lips at the Lilith Fair.

So with that in mind, Mr. City -- if that is your real name -- there are a few things you ought to know. The first is this: the elves aren't really so much employees as they are slaves. Or maybe a better term would be political prisoners forced to labor in my music gulag deep beneath a dormant volcano in Raytown, Missouri. (Which is the town in which the hit TV show Mamma's Family was set. I point this out whenever I can because it embarrasses the heck out of the elves.) They subsist on a diet consisting entirely of stale Keebler cookies and Dom Perignon because, well, I think that's pretty funny. (Thank God for the Bush administration! I would never have gotten away with something like this before W came to town and declared all elves Enemy Percussionists and therefore not governed by the rules of the Geneva Philharmonic Orchestra.)

The second thing you ought to know is this: I don't play video games. Except for Battlefield 1942. I do play that one, and I blame Bill from Three Pints Gone entirely for it. I've even learned to fly the helicopters in Desert Combat. Better -- I've even learned to LAND the helicopters in Desert Combat. But, the whole point of that is this: I have no clue what the Legend of Zelda theme song sounds like. Honestly, I don't really even know what the Legend of Zelda is, other than a game on Nintendo. And for me, "Nintendo" means most any console game at all, except for an Atari 2600. I'd be able to recognize one of those. (Mine ended up in a blacksmith's forge, actually. Funny story, that. Let's just say there's more than one way to beat Yar's Revenge and 2,000 degrees Fahrenheit will just about do it for any video game ever written.)

So I found a ringtone. That helped a little bit. A very little bit. So I found a midi. Which leads me into The Third Thing You Ought To Know.

The third thing is this: the Legend of Zelda theme song is all over the place. I mean, really. It is. Up to speed on your third octave E-flat, Mr. City? Good. You'll need it. (I'm okay-to-pretty-good at crossfingering. Admittedly, I have a mental block with f-natural. It just ain't natural, but that's just me. But for this one, I pulled out my Boehm Transverse Tinwhistle (patented).)

Nevertheless, the slanderous implication that there is somehow a "void" in my collection of sheet music really cooked my pudding. And so I just went to work on this little gem. Entirely out of spite. (Well, that and fear. I mean, I bought up most of the former Soviet Union's long range nukes at their Going Out of Business sale, but I didn't get them all. And anyone who can successfully use a term like "wonderfulous" in a sentence -- and a complete sentence, no less -- might just have been bright enough to scarf up some of those missing nukes. And I say "just might have" very deliberately, because that in itself is not enough to be sure. Mind you, I'm use to living with paranoia and suspicion. Keeping elves for slaves will do that to you. However, I did not miss the insidious -- and I mean "insidious" as in an H.P.-Lovecraft-Lurker-at-the-Void-Waiting-Patiently-and-Coldly-Calculating  sort of way -- use of the term "fingered" in a sneaky, sinister way. I'd hate for the history books to remember me for launching the pre-emptive strike in the the devastating nuclear exchange between me and the forces of Big City.)

So, anyway, I don't take requests. But here's your frigging song.

And that's the story on requests. If you've got a request you'd like to make, send it to webmaster@fullbodyburn.com. I might ignore it. I might post music for it. I might send a band of slightly deranged goblins who are accustomed to mistreating a certain group of elves to visit you in the night. Do you feel lucky, punk? Do you?